backtracking...

so...i can't believe it's been five days since my last post! let's see...the 12th was the last time i posted and that was before i headed out to gor for a drive, grab a coffee at the coffeehouse and whatnots. the day seemed to be going great when i waked into the coffeehouse and unexpectedly ran into my mom. under any other circumstance, this would be an ideal run in. we would sit outside, chitchat, have a coffee or two and most likely hang out for the rest of the day. unfortunately, this is not the case at the moment. my mom has bipolar disorder and is (and has since around christmas) in the midst of a manic phase. as close as my mom and i are, i have avoided her for some time because i just can't stand this person she becomes. i can easily say it's been at least a month since i last spent anh time with her. and running into her on sunday made me realize all the things i hate about her illness. her gaudiness with clothing and jewelry, her spending, her random thoughts vocalized (which many times i feel this with myself...sometimes i worry that "i'm next" because of my enthusiasm in conversation.) here she was at the counter buying a coffeehouse shirt, a smoothie, a latte, several pieces of baklave, a piece of cake, a dozen or so biscotti and leaving liz a five dollar tip...for crying out loud, she spent $60 on everything! meanwhile, there were two snobby girls, probably in the late teens/early twenties age range staring at her...so, here's my issue with this whole scenario...wrong as it may be. they're staring at her, probably because of her eccentricities, they told me otherwise later on in the story. i wasn't embarrassed to see her...just taken aback...caught off guard. i'm used to her guadiness now. well, as my mom is walking out and i'm following her to see her "new car" (an $80,000 dollar cadillac she claims to have purchased for only $21,000) i whisper to the two girls..."better get one last look before she leaves." omg! i couldn't believe i actually spoke those words to two complete strangers! well, what i mess i had to deal with when i came back in to order my drink. i immediately apologized to them and immediately one of them rolls her eyes and says in a very catty tone, "that's the least you could do...you should be sorry." whatever remorseful streak came through me outside to come back in and apologize to them just as quickly disappeared and left me wanting to deck her square in her fat nose! ugh! fake as this bitch is and she's telling me how i at the very least owe her an apology for my comment! i swallowed my pride and once again said how sorry i was for my comment however, my mom is mentally unstable (as i'm soon to be) at the moment and i didn't appreciate her staring. once again, her bitchy attitude prevailed. one more time, i explained that i hadn't seen her in over a month and walking in to find her there caught me off guard...i was solely reacting on emotion and what i said to them was innappropriate and i realized that...i guess my obsession at that time was for them to understand the nature of this illness, becuase it is so misunderstood. not only for the one suffering from the illness, but for family, friends and society involved with that person. and just like that, i started balling! i took off for the restroom, shut the door, sobbed uncontrollably all the while trying to reach my sister by phone. no luck. well, that meant i had to get it together on my own. no sis to the rescue. so, i cleaned up my face, walked out and told the girls one last time how sorry i was for offending them with my comment. they were nicer...i don't know if that had to do with my crying fit or what...and looking back on it now...gosh, how stupid! how immature did i behave? so what if they were looking at her? so what if i blurted out a comment to them i wouldn't have otherwise? who cares? instead, i had to get them to accept my apology...to understand...when all along they (and i) were completely ignorant. i guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20.